“When we awaken to a new possibility in our lives, we often see if first in another person.”
– Robert A. Johnson, Inner Gold
Falling in love is amazing….
But relationships never seem to last. What is wrong with me?
When you first meet someone and fall in love, they seem perfect to you. They seem lit up from the inside and have the most unique, beautiful soul, mind, and body. As a result, you want to be with them all the time because when you are with them, YOU feel amazing and beautiful, too – but then it fades.
You begin to realize that they are a flawed human after all, and it’s not as fun to hang out with them. Something seems wrong – Right? So, your answer is to stop being with them and look for the next person who lights up the room and makes you feel amazing.
The truth is that you see yourself in others. It’s your inner strength and beauty that you see projected onto another person. And they have their inner strengths and beauty to project onto you. The problem is when you begin to see with clearer eyes the imperfections, flaws, and feelings; you realize you haven’t truly claimed your inner strength and beauty, but it feels like it’s someone’s “fault.”
So, you seek that amazingness in a new relationship, but what you do when you fall in love again is to put your amazing self onto that new person. Our goal in working together is for you to claim your inner gold, which is there for you regardless if you are in a relationship.
“Conflict is the beginning of consciousness.”
– M. Esther Harding
Learn to set boundaries.
“If only they would stop making me so mad! If only they would provide me with what I need!”
What do you have control over in your life? Do you have to wait until the other person acts, or does things in a certain way, or stops doing something to be happy or satisfied? Is your happiness dependent on someone else’s behavior?
The secret is that once you understand your boundaries and learn how to tend to them, you will feel a weight lifted from your shoulders and gain freedom.
No one has control over you unless you allow that control. Knowing this means that you are the one in control! But, knowing this can be even more challenging than handing over control to someone else.
If that is the case, let’s talk about what it feels like and practice building yourself up so that you feel emotionally strong and secure. Then, you are free to love others in the way you want.
Do you need or don’t need a relationship?
People tell me they feel like they need to be in a relationship so badly, but they also have their worst experiences in relationship.
“I want to be independent and strong, but I feel like such a baby. I’m way too vulnerable and needy. Maybe if I get rid of the neediness, I’ll be ok.”
We are humans and mammals with bodies and psyches. We need the warmth, affection, friendship, and love of others. Those are normal needs that all humans have to some degree or another, although we may express and live out those needs differently in our lives.
At the same time, we also need to feel our autonomy, strength, and ability to stand independently (see the Boundaries section above). So, we all have these polarized needs that may feel in conflict with each other.
People often feel they swing between polarities of intensely needing contact, reassurance, love, affection, etc., while also needing space, time alone, and knowledge of themselves as being defined separately from a relationship.
Rather than “getting rid” of either of these extremes, let’s integrate and claim both and allow those extremes to give you the strength and answers you need. Getting rid of one would be like cutting off a limb unnecessarily, and you don’t need to do that.
“Why do I keep getting hurt?”
Our intimate relationships cut to the core of who we are – so we think.
A breakup is one of the most painful things we can go through in life. I know this to be true for myself, and I’ve witnessed many others going through painful breakups and divorces.
But also, that pain can be the doorway to a better life, self-compassion, and self-love, allowing others to love you and setting the stage for the kind of relationship you want.
If your relationship seems messed up – let’s determine why.
Relationships can be challenging. Whatever the relationship is (romantic partnership, parental, familial, even deep friendship), true love takes some work. It will force you to face your shadows and demons and deal with them if it’s real.
Only a superficial or minimal relationship is always easy and never asks anything of you. If it’s real, it will change you and demand the best of you by making you look at what you don’t like about yourself. Sometimes, relationships don’t survive this kind of examination, but they are still valuable and essential to our growth as human beings.
I think one of the reasons we feel drawn into relationships with others is because in knowing and loving someone else, we learn to know and love ourselves.
Let’s look at the places where your relationship feels messed up. Often, there are reminders of a trauma that occurred in an earlier relationship or childhood. By acknowledging the traumas and hurt from the past, clarity about the current relationship will emerge. It will become much more manageable (even inevitable) to make positive changes to improve the present relationship.
Call now for a free phone consultation to talk about how we can work together.